A Karaoke Tale

Tales of Karaoke

Dateline: Wednesday night at Bomber’s

I told this tall tale before I sang my song. I didn’t have to change anyone’s name because it is entirely fictional. Here goes.

So, I invited this woman to my house for dinner, because women seem to love to watch a man cook for them. Many find it to be a highly erotic experience. I like to cook Asian style. Maybe you read my blog post about my wok. Anyway, we sat down to the stir-fry I had made and enjoyed a good meal.

Sure enough, the cooking magic worked and we found ourselves in my comfortable bed. My dinner guest wasn’t moving, but at first, I just thought that she must be like my ex-wife, who also did not move much in bed.

(Side note to ex-wife in case she is reading this. The "not moving" joke is just a joke I stole from an old Woody Allen routine.)

Well, as it turned out, there was a reason she wasn’t moving. She was dead! Of course, I called 911, but it was too late. I also had to call my date’s parents. The family should always be notified and I thought it was my responsibility to call, especially since their daughter and sister died at my house. The call went like this.

Me: Hello, Mr. Calvano?
Mr. C: Yes, this is he.
Me: Hi, you don’t know me. My name is Sid Stein. Your daughter, Denise, came to my house for dinner. She died.
Mr. C: You didn’t give her peanuts, did you?
Me: I am pretty sure there were peanuts in the Thai marinade I used in my stir-fry.
Mr. C: She’s allergic to peanuts!
Me: Oh my G-d. She never said anything. Maybe she thought I was making a teriyaki dish.
Mr. C: Where is she now?
Me: They took her to the morgue.
Mr. C: Stein did you say? Are you Jewish? I told Denise not to trust the Jews.
Me: Hey, no need for that. I was just making her dinner. Geez!
Mr. C: Just so you know, Mr. Stein. There will be a complete investigation.
Me: Whatever!

With that, Mr. Calvano hung up on me with a bang, kind of the same way his daughter departed the world. I guess I won’t be making anymore Thai food. Not without a signed waiver anyway.

Then I sang my song. "Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground. I nailed it.