Sid Stein’s Tribute to Anna Nicole Smith or How Sid Was Rescued by A Lesbian

Whatever the actual reason is, I (Sid Stein) am a lightning rod for controversy when I sing karaoke. Without a doubt, there are times when I get what I deserve. Still, other incidents confound me and occur without any reasonable explanation. Allow me to illustrate what I mean.

I recall one night when Pinto and Hobbs was graced by the presence of R’N’R. R’N’R are three black women who sing together and sing quite well. The letters are the initials of their first names, in case you were wondering. (For those of you not wondering, because it was simple to figure out that the women’s karaoke moniker consisted of their initials, you may feel I was being condescending because I explained it to you. This is how controversy can be born. On the other hand, I have to consider all my readers, even the ones too dense to grasp the simple and the obvious). I considered myself a friend of this talented "Girl Group" and usually spent part of my evening chatting with them when we were not singing.

For those of you who do not frequent the club scene (a euphemism for bars), let me school you. On occasion, there are times when one might have a little too much to drink. These aberrations are typically safe if you are a happy person and take a cab home. No one gets hurt and the aftermath is usually alleviated by the judicious use of Advil and re-hydration.

On this particular occasion, I may have been feeling, let’s say, extra lively and animated. So, I was standing at R’N’R’s table, chatting with "R" to the exclusion of N’R. "R" was, after all, the prettiest one of the three. Apparently, the other "R" perceived that I was becoming overly friendly with the prettier "R," even though the prettier "R" was not mounting any form of protest. The neglected "R," who was also the biggest one of the three, and I mean big, decided I had crossed some line. She calmly called out my name, causing me to turn around, and then punched me in the nose. As her fist headed in the direction of my face, I got the impression that she was channeling Muhammed Ali. She had that "stings like a bee" swagger just before she made contact. Initially, I was stunned, but as soon as I recovered from the shock, I realized I hadn’t been hurt at all and started laughing. Although I don’t feel my behavior warranted such an extreme reaction (the other "R" had been drinking too), at least I understood the precedent. By the way, Muhammed Ali "R" and I kissed and made up and we are still friends to this day. Nevertheless, when I see her, I duck.

More disturbing to me was an incident which occurred while I was on stage singing a song. I don’t recall which song it was and it really doesn’t matter. I was just singing. As I stood with a drink in one hand and a microphone in the other, an unknown assailant charged into the bar through the swinging double doors, raced to the stage, knocked the glass out of my hand and fled on foot. That was the entire incident. Even Greg the D.J. was confused by that one. After all, I couldn’t have offended my attacker (female, if you’re wondering) because she had been outside right up until the moment she struck. Even if I had ad libbed something which bothered her, she couldn’t have heard it anyway. Random evil late at night is cause for concern. It’s one thing when I elicit a reaction in someone which I can trace to something I said or did. At least I can learn from it and avoid it in the future. How, though, does one prevent such randomness? And, if you ask Greg, you’ll find out that this wasn’t the first time I had been subjected to such senseless violence. That’s why I think I am a lightning rod for controversy. Sometimes, these things just happen to me for no reason at all. Such are the cards I have been dealt in life. So, I deal with it, sometimes on my own and sometimes with assistance from a guardian angel (See an earlier post - "Sid Stein Cashes In One of His Nine Lives). http://sidstein.blogspot.com/2007_03_11_archive.html

Allow me now to take you back in time to Thursday, February 8, 2007. As always, I was looking forward to singing karaoke at Pinto and Hobbs. However, tragedy struck that day. We learned of the untimely death of Vickie Lynn Marshall, age 39, better known as Anna Nicole Smith. http://www.annanicole.com/index_new.html As is always the case with celebrities of her caliber and accomplishment, her death was the main news story of the day. Producers at NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, Fox and MSNBC were in hog heaven, salivating. Larry King busted a suspender strap. As soon as I logged on to my computer that day - ANNA NICOLE DEAD AT 39. So, I went with a heavy heart to my Thursday night sanctuary with the hope that I could relieve some of the pain.

When I arrived at Pinto and Hobbs, Anna Nicole was the hot topic of conversation. I don’t want to say she was that hot a topic. That wouldn’t be quite correct. Most of the people who go there shun the whole "celeb" thing anyway. That’s a nice way of saying that they think they are way too cool to succumb to the vacuous and numbing temptations of popular culture in America. As adorable or as pretentious as that is, depending upon your point of view (personally, I find it adorable because most are fairly young and still finding themselves), Anna Nicole did pop up (or should I say pinned-up) in conversation. It made me think that I was obligated to somehow pay tribute to this American icon.

More recently, when Phil "The Scooter" Rizzuto, the Hall of Fame Yankee shortstop and broadcaster, passed away, it was easy to choose a song to sing as a tribute. The only appropriate song, if you don’t already know, is Meatloaf’s "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" because it contains a play-by-play baseball broadcast performed by none other than "The Scooter" himself. But what song could I sing for Anna Nicole? I thought a Marilyn Monroe song might work, like "Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend," but wouldn’t singing that diminish the memory of Monroe? I pondered the question for a while and came up with a karaoke favorite of mine, "Close to You," by the Carpenters. http://www.richardandkarencarpenter.com/

It might seem like an odd choice, but it seemed perfect to me. For starters, based on the copious coverage of her life and death, it appears that many men wanted to be close to Anna Nicole. Maybe many women too. More than that, though, Anna Nicole was famous for problems she had with her weight. She went up, she went down. Drastically. She was the spokesperson for Trimspa, if you recall. http://www.trimspa.com/ (Check out the testimonials on Trimspa’s website. They are priceless). Karen Carpenter also had weight issues. She died from anorexia. I thought it was a match made in heaven, so I submitted a slip to Greg so I could sing for Anna Nicole.

When I got up on stage, microphone in hand, I wasn’t anticipating any problems. We are talking about a tribute song to Anna Nicole Smith, after all, not Jesus Christ or even Jerry Falwell, who also passed away this year.

Before the song started, I asked Greg to give me a moment to address the crowd. "Friends," I began, "I would like us all to share a moment of silence in memory of the beautiful Anna Nicole Smith, who tragically passed away today. She was the epitome of beauty and sex in America, and we will forever miss her." After a very short moment of silence (hey, we were out drinking and trying to have fun), I continued. "In tribute to Anna Nicole, who endured problems with her weight her entire life, I would like to dedicate this song to her. It was written by another luminary who left this planet far too early, Karen Carpenter, who, unlike Anna Nicole, became way too thin." With that, the music swelled and I began to sing. "Why do birds suddenly appear…"

My dear readers, I had a crowd. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who mourned the loss of Anna Nicole. There were quite a few others gathered around the stage, snickering and laughing. They appreciated the fact that I sacrificed valuable karaoke time in favor of remembering Anna Nicole. That is, all except one girl.

The expletives which gushed forth out of the mouth of this young girl, screaming at me from the top of her lungs, were so deplorable that even the raunchiest rapper would have been shocked and horrified. As I continued to sing, her voice boomed loudly, overwhelming the PA system. "How fucking dare you talk about Anna Nicole when we have soldiers dying in Iraq!?" Was she fucking kidding me? Iraq? Soldiers dying? I considered telling her to get a life, but the animus she expressed was terrifying. As this girl was about to charge the stage, Sara, my sweet young lesbian friend, with whom I discussed the Anna Nicole tragedy just minutes before, came to my rescue and restrained my would-be assailant.

Sara was ably assisted by her friend, Marissa, a lovely, young Jewish student and Mets fan, about whose sexual orientation I am not quite sure. She might be gay, or simply a L.U.G. (lesbian until graduation), or straight. I never bothered asking because she was way too young for me anyway. If she ever has the need though, I would love to adopt her. She’s adorable.














As they restrained this lunatic, Sara tried talking some sense into her. "Sid is just kidding. He’s really making a commentary on our society and its screwed up priorities. Calm down!"

Remarkably, Sara was able to swiftly restore order to Pinto and Hobbs which allowed me to finish my song and my tribute to Anna Nicole. Later on, Sara explained that this poor distraught girl had just lost a cousin who was serving in Iraq. I felt sympathy for her, but why the hell was she out at a bar in the first place? Drown your sorrows at home, honey. Picket George Bush. Leave Sid out of it.

I thanked Sara for coming to my rescue. The incident created an immediate and everlasting bond between the two of us. Very sweet, if I might add.